Dear Angry Mama

Dear Angry, Angry Mama,

Let's talk for a moment. It's okay to read this, no one is looking at you to see if this applies to you or not. Let's be honest. It would be okay if they did know. If you are an angry mama and struggling today, that's the first thing I need you to know - that it's okay. I bet nothing about today feels okay. I bet you would do just about anything for people to not know just how NOT okay you think you are. I understand that feeling. You see the sweet mamas around you drinking their Starbucks in their cute LuLaRoe outfits, snuggling their precious kiddos as they chat effortlessly about their family plans for after church. You would give anything to be that calm, that sweet, that grace-filled. I'm here to tell you it's okay if you're not.

The second thing I will quietly share with you is that you are not alone. Girl, seriously. Not even close to alone. Not even in this church room right now. These mamas, they are exhausted, too. At least one chased a naked toddler covered in peanut butter mixed with puke in the first dress they tried to wear today. Another had to literally wrap her shaking hands around that coffee cup to stop herself from smacking the hateful preteen who said rage inducing comments when she walked by just now.

That mom over there? She told herself all of yesterday that she wouldn't even come to church today. She almost skipped MOPS, too. She hates being around people these days, almost as much as she craves time with those she would see. If she talks to others, she might not stop. She might start venting or crying, or worse. What's worse than vent crying in church? Being real.. super duper honest and real with the other moms. She would rather say nothing than for those around her to see the real her. It's bad enough that God knows her angry and hurting heart. She doesn't want you to see it, too.

The third thing I want you to know is that there is no normal, no perfect mama, no standard to meet. That super mom image you're chasing? She is no more a real woman than the barbie you stepped on for the 3rd time this morning. You and I, we see these seemingly perfect mamas - the homeschool guru, the children's pastor's wife, the women leading ministries, the calm school teacher mom, the mom balancing her 6 kids while you struggle with two, the beauty queen mom that we compare ourselves to every time she comes in, the cookie baking mom, and more. We seem to be surrounding by these almost perfect moms at every turn. The truth is, even if you got up at 5 am, dressed like the beauty queen, baked all the cookies, homeschooled your 8 kids while running 2 ministries, and even sold handmade crafts on the side to further emulate the Proverbs 31 chick, you wouldn't be perfect, not even almost. That's okay, too. The only one expecting that perfection is you and you're too tired to think clearly today.

You are you. You are frustrated. Let's be honest, you are angry. ANGRY in all caps. The sweet you that snuggled precious babies is now like a snapping turtle on an anger trip. Even your poor husband is getting snapped at, maybe even the Amazon delivery guy, too. The kids are fighting again and you're over it. Your son has back talked you one too many times, or probably more like 5 too many times. You cannot believe you have turned into THAT mom. You know her, that angry yelling mom that snaps at her kids before turning around to even see what they've done. The one squeezing the fingers off the child whose hand it seems she is sweetly holding. If the school calls you one more time, you're gonna lose it. You're wondering how your husband will hold up if you have an actual breakdown and he has to be the bad guy for a few weeks. You numbly wonder, sometimes, why you even agreed to become a mom. It's okay, you don't have to admit that part out loud. If you do, though, know we aren't here judging you. We are that mom now, too.

Something else I want you to know is that there is hope. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like it today after you've yelled 4 times since church ended and you would rather hide in the bathroom crying than consider facing your fellow mamas later. Hope is like God, love, and the wind. You don't have to see it for it to be there. It also exists even when you don't want to believe in it. Hope is there. The fact that you have stuck with me this far suggests that maybe you need some of that hope I am seeking, too.

My favorite scripture is something I look to when seeking that hope. John 14:27 says "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

God is the author of peace, of harmony, of love. He is the creator of alllll the good things. He created peace and He offers it to you. Sometimes you are too stubborn to accept it, or even to simply reach out for it. For me, that happens way more often than "sometimes". I want peace in theory. In the same vein, I want to be that calm mama, filled with grace. I want a lot of things. Truth be told, I want a smaller belly and less flabby thighs, too. The thing is, I can want all I want but if I don't get up and do something about it, I must not want it too very badly. It's the same thing with wanting to be grace-filled, peaceful, and calm. I have to do something about it and not just wrestle with self hatred and angry moments. Not wanting to be "that mom" isn't enough. I have to actually seek and then accept the peace that's being offered to me.

My step 1 is seeking God's peace through prayer. I don't have to be all formal on this. I am just gonna lay it all on the line. He gets me, and He gets you, too.

"Dear Lord, forgive me for my failings as a mom. I hate myself as a mom a lot of the time. I hate my anger and frustration. I hate the resentment I feel. I am over this anger, I am over the yelling. I am so tired of fighting an uphill battle. I can't do this anymore, not on my own. I need you. I need your strength because I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I need your peace because I am depleted. I need your patience because I can't find mine. I need you. That's all I know. I need you. Please help me."

What else is there to say? Hang in there angry mama. You are not alone. We understand more than you know, and God has got your back. Pray right along with me, or tell me and let me pray with you.

Mama Says Post 9 - After this report card, I'm pretty sure you owe ME money, though...

Hungry? How can you be hungry? So far today you have eaten 2 sausage biscuits, 2 pieces of pizza, soup, fritos, fruit snacks twice, another piece of pizza, chicken and mashed potatoes. It's not even dinner time yet!! (After this, he also ate 4 bowls of chicken n dumplings.)

I checked your Chromebook. I'm not very happy about some of the YouTube things I saw but I'm very, very happy that's all I found to not be happy about.

So sorry. Throw away those shoes. Yes, I know they're your favorite. I asked you to always wear socks with shoes. That's nasty. I've argued with you every day about this. About socks! I don't have time to argue about socks. I warned you this would happen. Toss em. Try again tomorrow.

I'm not begging anyone ever to get out of bed. For every time I ask you to get up, your bedtime next week is going back a half an hour. Sorry, babysitting is gonna be difficult when your bedtime is earlier than Micah's.

5 pairs of shoes. 5! 3 pairs of socks and 3 socks with no pairs. A lacrosse stick, a basketball, the head off my pumpkin decoration, 3 cups, the box from the microwave we bought LAST SATURDAY! These are just some of the things I picked up this morning. Are you under the impression my living room is your personal closet? I'm keeping everything I found for a week.

Yes, I heard you. They "dress coded" you. That still doesn't answer my question. Why are you calling me at work? Umm. Have we met? Even your teachers know my motto. Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. Even they don't believe I am coming to rescue you, babe. Nice try though. See you at dinner!

Baby. No. I will answer all your questions truthfully, just ask. Let's start with that one. An orgasm means...(gave the clinical answer). It does not mean sex. Those are not the same word at all, honey. Stop getting your sex questions answered by guy friends. I know because that's a man's answer. A chick wouldn't have said that. What other awkward things do we need to talk about tonight?

An F means you don't care about school or self respect. A D means you tried to get away with doing nothing and failed. A C means you gave as little effort as possible. Which grades were you hoping to get rewarded for? Yayyyyyyy for 2 A's. Seriously.Yay. After this report card, I'm pretty sure you owe ME money, though.

Rules in life are simple. Trust God. Treat others well. Better than you would like to be treated. Don't roll your eyes at people smarter than you. Like me, for example. Always clean up your own messes. Don't gossip - not even if it's true. Because true gossip is still gossip just like real poop still sticks to your shoe and makes you smell like poop.

Mama Says Post 8 - "Bernie Sanders Can't Help You Either" and Other Quotes

Bobcats are not pets. I repeat Bobcats are not pets.

You know that being suspended goes on your PERMANENT RECORD right? Yes, even "In-School Suspensions". I'm sorry, are you kidding? Ummm no. Just no. Governor Bevins is not going to expunge your record and no, you may not ask him. Bernie Sanders can't help you either. Deal.

It's just that my mamas heart wants to hug him while my hand is smacking him upside the head.

You don't understand what? Why adults would have to have sex if they already have kids? God created it to be a pleasurable thing between a man and wife. Gross? What do you mean gross? What do you mean "Why did I you tell me that?" You asked me a question. I answered it! Shoo!

Today I got emails from 4 teachers and a phone call from the dean. Who wants to see mommy's head spin around and pop off? That's what stress does. No, they were not saying hello and that they missed me. They talk to me every week! They don't have time to miss me. The dean should NOT have my number memorized, by the way, but he does.

Why are all of my towels out in the driveway? Why are they brown? Anyone? Anyone? Ah. You were making a video for YouTube. You've got my attention, go on...

You need an outfit for the dance and you'll cry if you can't go? Got it. Who is the boy? There's no boy? Uh huh. Hey Mikey! Who is the boy she isn't telling me about? Oohhhh. I know him. He's cute. No dance for you chica. Dancing requires honesty. Best of luck for next time.

You need the printer for what? To make fliers for Friday? What's Friday? Our game night, yes. Wait?!? No! You can not pass out fliers to the entire high school, inviting them to our game night. Do you not know how small our house is? Please, just NO!

Yes I really did throw your phone away. Well, first I dunked it in the sink of soapy water and then I threw it away. Listen, when you want to show respect for me, our family, and my property.. we will try again. Or not. Your tablet might be next for a bubble bath.

If I throw up and run off this road, we are all gonna die and it'll be all your feet's fault! Put your cleats back on! Hurry!! Dear goodness when was the last time you washed them? I'm pulling over. I'm gonna hurl.

Look, let's be real. I don't like your teacher either. She is the least kid friendly chick on the planet. The thing is..it doesn't matter. I will invite her to dinner, ask her to move in, and make her your godmother if she has to tell me one more time about you not being respectful. Show respect. Period. Deal. It's your only option.

I have bought 170 mechanical pencils this year. Yes I counted! Are you kidding me? They are refillable! Are y'all throwing them away? No? No they don't sneak out of your backpack at night!!! If they were sneaking out together they'd be mating and multiplying! I'm not buying any more! Figure it out kiddo. I'm so done.

You cannot tell that boy your sister loves him. Just no! Because I said so and not only am I always right, I'm also always in charge, always wiser than you, always gonna be the boss. Yes I will haunt you from my grave to remind you I'm boss. My headstone will simply say "She was right. All of the time." The headstone man won't let you write anything else because I SAID SO!

An Open Letter To You - The One Struggling with Addiction

An open letter to you - the one struggling with addiction. It doesn't matter what your name is, it only matters that you listen carefully.

I write this letter to you, in hopes that you will see your true worth. You, my dear, are worth so much more than you realize. Yes, I know that you have done things you regret, and frankly things we all wish you hadn't, in the name of this unquenchable craving you have. You have hurt your family, this is true. I see those things you've done, I am not blind to the truth. The thing is, I also see you.

I see the heartbreak in your eyes, I see the weariness. I see your self-doubt, your pain, your anger. I see the panic because you don't know how you will find a way to get high again, the desperation as you consider your options. Do you steal? Lie? Sell your yourself - body or soul? I see you.

Mama Says Post 7 - "Chips Followed By Chocolate is Not Carb Loading, Son", and Other Conversations

Normal people read a book if they're bored while pooping. I will build you a bathroom library if you promise to not pick the paint off the walls in weird designs next time you have to go...

What do you mean you didn't eat dinner? There's chicken AND pork chops cooked. What? Carb loading? You weigh a buck ten and you don't work out. Carb loading? Seriously? Chips followed by chocolate is not carb loading, son. Go eat a can of green beans. Now. Okay, a bowl will do.

When I said you could stay up til midnight as a special treat, did I say it in a foreign language? No? I was just wondering if your google translate was broken and "midnight" became "3 am"  somehow. No? Go translate "2 hours early bedtime every night for a week" in all the languages you want right quick because that's the only technology you'll be using this week hon.

Mama Says: Post 6 - The Sketchiest Contraption In The History of Bad Ideas

You want to walk to and hang out alone at the library with a boy I've never met? I won't let you walk to the end of the street, child. You know that. I don't care that his parents think its okay. You're 10! Just because they're crazy doesn't mean I am! 10! No boys. No walking. No alone. No way.

There are 426 perler beads on the living room floor. Are you making a carpet mural? No? Then it's probably time for someone besides me to get on their knees and pick them up. No! You cannot iron them together on the carpet to make it easier!

Where is my broom? My mop? Wait. Why are they with the rake and the snow shovel? Rails? What are rails?!?! Skateboard rails? No I don't have some blocks to make the rails higher! What are you using now? This is the sketchiest contraption in the history of bad ideas!

You want to invite 4 boys and 6 girls to our house for a sleeover AND you want to do a scary movie marathon. For 10 year olds. Either you're young enough to think there's nothing wrong with boys sleeping over at a girls house OR you're old enough to watch scary movies. You can't be both.

Why was there a boy in your room? Was he rescuing you from the boogey man or a fire breathing dragon?  Uh huh. No. No boys - not now, not ever. Am I kidding? I'm sorry, have you met me? Do I have a habit of joking when my face looks like this?

What were you doing on the computer just now. NTI work? Are you sure? The whole time? You're sure. So Mrs. P assigned 42 minutes of looking up Hunger Games merchandise on Amazon? Do you want to plead guilty of lying to me or to her? You're gonna have to pick one, chica.

It's 1:45 on a school night. Why are you awake? What are you doing with that phone? Ok. I'm super glad you're using it as a flashlight to read your book and you're not on social media but the answer is still no. Have you lost your mind? Peeta will still be there in the pages tomorrow. Go to sleep. NOW.

*Knocking on the wall between the bathrooms* What was that insanely loud crash in the bathroom? Are you okay? Are you hurt? I don't have time for you to die in the bathtub. I'm trying to poop over here! It's the first time I've sat down all day!

You know we said no dating. This family will be courting only. Period. If you meet your future wife in the 8th grade, feel free to hold it over me until I'm 85 and say "I told you so" at every family dinner - forever. In the meantime, dating leads to unnecessary heart ache. Go make some friends - the kind you don't make out with.

Today at 4:30 I have to be at work. I also have to pick up Kiersten from school at that moment. Oh, and drop off Mikey at Lacrosse- in a different town. All at precisely 4:30. I do not have time for drama, to pick up your buddy, or to bring you a polar pop. Not that I'm buying any of you a car, but I can't wait til you're all old enough to drive.

Because he's your brother, that's why. Even if he tortures you, teases you, posts embarrassing videos of you on youtube, and eats your cookies when you're sleeping, he's your brother. He loves you even if he's never said it and even if you never believe it.

What is this? Are you starting a fort in the driveway? No? It's a ramp? A ramp for remote control cars I hope. That wouldn't hold the weight of a furby in a Barbie car! Ok. I will watch you prove me wrong but if you break more than just your ramp you better hurry. I'd have to take you to the hospital before I leave for c-group and I don't want to be late again.

This report card isn't even close to acceptable. No, I don't think you can stage a protest about grades being inhumane and I don't think homeschooling will necessarily give you better grades. Lets be honest. Do you really want me to be your teacher? I give you two weeks before you'd be begging Coach Graves for another chance. I know what you're capable of and would expect it every single day.

No you may not put your tent on the roof. Yes, I know it would be cool to feel like you're on top of the world. Those kinds of adventures will have to be found in books til you get out of college. Hahahahaha nooooooo you'll not be having adventures instead of college. That's the funniest thing I've heard all week. You can practice your stand up comedy while you're in college. That's an option I could live with. Go find something constructive to do.

To Choose or Not To Choose? - That Is The Question

In my youth community group, we picked a "word of the year" - a word describing an attitude you want to focus on, a goal of yours, or something that inspires you. My 7th grade girls picked their words easily and excitedly, but I struggled. What is most important to me this year? What do I need to do more than anything this year? 

A conversation with my boss sparked an idea that stuck. Her words were simple, but effective. "You just need to tell people no. Tell them you just aren't going to do it. You don't have enough time as it is. Tell them no." Simple enough, right? Quick and easy wording - "No." Except that I am extremely bad at using that word. Need 2 cakes on Wednesday for a funeral? Sure! That skirt hemmed for your daughter, even though my hands are too swollen to do it? I'm there for you. Need help with that volunteering project, that school concert, the outreach program? I'm your girl. I will almost never tell you no. I don't want to let anyone down or disappoint them. I have always been that way.

I have a servant's heart, and I truly believe that's a good thing. The Lord gave me this heart for a reason. I love serving, and have a true calling to work with the youth and the homeless. That's where He pulls me and I want to do my best with the talents and passions He gives me.  I feel like that is the very least I can do for Him and for others. 

The problem is this: while I can honestly describe myself as giving and tenderhearted, I have other words I would have to use also - if we are being honest. Exhausted. Strained. Overwhelmed. Unhappy. Deep to the soul weary. I have four children at home and they are more than a handful. I honestly don't even time to do my job, and can't even work until 5 on the days I am in the office because I can't leave them alone that long. I need hours a day to help with homework, an hour more to run kids here and there. I don't even want to talk about housework. Add personal Bible study time, family time, plus sleep and I have already run out of hours in my day. I have no downtime, no rest, no time to even acknowledge the health struggles I deal with.

I say all of that to tell you this: my word for this year could easily just be "No." Instead, my word is "Choose." I need to choose me. I need to choose wisely.  I need to choose to be a better wife and mother - to put my family first. I need to choose  earlier bedtimes, naps, days off, and peace. I need to choose to say no - and to say it a lot! 

Things that I want to make my focus:

• My marriage. I'm too exhausted to even pretend to be a good wife. My lack of sleep alone makes me a not very enthusiastic or loving person to be in a relationship with.
• One on one time with my kids - something I don't have now at all
• The kid's schooling. Some of mine need serious help daily and I need to give that more attention
• My home. When it's messy or disorganized it stresses me out to the point of tears. I need time to make my home an oasis from the world, not the pit of my own personal hell. 
• My friendships - oh how I neglect these!
• Bible study time - alone and with others, including our adult C group
• The youth group and my c group girls - they are my heart! I have 14 girls in my group now.
• Family volunteering with the homeless
• Our refugee family we are adopting as a church
• Time for me. Guilt free genuine time for me.
• Sleep. Sleep. Sleep

Things that, I am sorry to say, I am saying NO to

• Volunteering with small children - including babysitting, nursery work, MOPS, etc. One child's screaming or loud crying results in hours upon hours of pain for me. Even the kindergartners wear me out. I just....can't. There are many people called to serve in this area, but I am not one of them.
• The PTA. I love the various PTA groups. Heck, I used to be the most gung-ho PTA mom of all. It just can't be a priority anymore. I have to choose. I'm not going to be doing school volunteering. 
• Women's Ministry. While I am super excited about the upcoming IF Gathering and am glad to help with my close friends, beyond that I will not be serving in women's ministry. To be perfectly honest, I am an empty pitcher with nothing left to pour. I need to be filled and to be served. That's a rare concept for me. 
• Miscellaneous volunteering opportunities - visiting the senior center with groups, baking for random bake sales, fundraising outside of the refugee family goals, etc. All the little things people ask me to do. 

That seems like a short list, but it's a powerful one for me. It's a brave step, an uncomfortable one. Now it's time for me to choose to stand by it.