Forget Those Scars

An old favorite song has brought to mind my inner scars today. It's amazing how you can be downright chipper and then wham..the Devil will knock you down with memories. I'm still standing though, which is better than I could've said before. It used to be that I'd curl up in a ball and just let pain attack me. Now I fight back.

At the risk of going all Oprah on you, here are some things I know for sure...

• I am not my past.
• I am not the pain inflicted on me
• I am not bruises and I am not tears.
• I am not a victim of any kind. Not ever again

I also know this: (Satan please take notes here)

• I am stronger than anyone knows
• I will laugh through my tears every single time. Get over it
• I am fun and funny and sweet. I will always focus on these traits because I like me
• I may not be pretty or skinny or sexy but lemme tell you what....I am beautiful from the inside out and even strangers will stop and comment on that glow when I smile

While we are being honest...

• I don't let myself need people but I am learning to get over myself
• I failed at something huge for the first time this past year and I almost let it define me. That is a NO GO. Aint happenin follks. Nope, sorry. Try again. Whatcha got? Throw it at me.
• I have been in a deep funk for almost a year and I'm grateful for those who noticed and cared, even when they didn't say a word in fear I'd crumble. This last month and a half the sun finally broke through and I've smiled more in the last week than I have in the last 4 years.
• I am in pain. Physical, deep breaths so you don't scream pain. A lot of the time. There is only 1 person who can really tell, thanks Crystal for knowing me like that and mothering me. If I don't tell you it's not because you are not important. It is because the pain isn't. I can't let it be my focus, or a focus at all. It's how I get through it. It's not denial, it is refusal to let it be who I am
• If I annoy you with constant references to my faith, I am sorry that you are annoyed but I won't apologize. Without God, without Pastor Randy encouraging me, without prayer, I wouldn't be me, I'd be a shell of the girl you know. So love me including my faith, or don't love me or don't love my faith. You choose. I am still here.