"Why are there socks in the microwave? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?"
"Please don't carry your brother around the house. He's a freshman, not a baby. Plus, that's weird. Go do something else weird instead. "
"I found 6 pairs of socks in the bathroom and hallway today. They're not yours, yours or yours? Really? Really? The sock fairy has some seriously big feet for a fairy. She must have trouble flying. Ew. Plus she stinks. If anyone finds a stinky fairy, tell her I am not the maid. Pass the word."
"You are 10. 10. 10! You are NOT going to the park with a boy alone. You will not be alone with a boy until your wedding night. No exceptions. Go find a different plan."
"We don't do sexy in this house. Not just because you're 10. Because no. You want to look sexy, find a sexy honeymoon outfit because that's the first time I'm letting you wear anything like that. Now go find a shirt that goes to your knees for those jeggings."
"Because if I had money for things that weren't groceries, do you really think buying a new cell phone for a 10 yr.old would be my very top priority? No. Go play."
"If you fall off that fence you better call the neighbor because I do not have time for hospitals today. Nope, tomorrow is all booked up, too."
"No you can't skateboard off that. Nope, not that either. Seriously. Listen, this house is not a skate park. Yes, a ramp from the top bunk would be a cool idea I guess. Come back here! I did NOT say go build a ramp right now from the top bunk! I promise you I did NOT."
"What are the rules for dating? You're 12. Dating at 12 means awkward texts, hugs in the hall at school and sitting together at lunch. Don't eat her lunch, don't text her anything you wouldn't want a boy texting your sister and no hugs that last longer than 3 seconds. Next question? "
"Because when you date before college there's almost no way you'll marry that person. Like 5% chance. So you're making out with someone else's future wife. Don't put your hands on other people's wives. That's a good rule for life in general. "
"I found a shirt, a hat, and a scarf on the sidewalk. Were you about to build a snowman? It's like 85° outside, you know that right? The sidewalk is not a laundry basket."
"This back yard looks like a yard sale threw up on it. There's literally 27 things on the driveway. 27! I counted! Y'all are going to make me literally lose my mind today. If I go crazy who will make the cookies? Uh huh. That's what I thought. Get busy."
"No you can't go with your sister to her slumber party. Yes, I know that's where all the girls are. No they don't need a bodyguard. If they needed a bodyguard it would be from 7th grade boys wanting to go to their slumber party."
"Goldfish with a side of pretzels is not dinner. No, if you add pudding for dairy it does NOT make me feel better."
"Do I look like I care that no one else in this neighborhood wears helmets? I didn't say it's a Kentucky law. I just said it's a law. It's a Heather law. My laws matter most. I know the jailer in this town. She's a mama, too, and will back me up so don't try me. Go put on your helmet."
"If you lay upside down and eat your spaghettios, they will not come out your nose. Okay. Try it. If they do, you're cleaning it up. Good luck with that."
"No, Granny is not sending you your savings account money because you don't have any allowance left. That's a car fund, not a polar pop fund. No you can't bribe me with polar pops to convince her. Nice try. Go do your chores."
"Sure you can go to the game but you have to pay for it. Football games are not educational and are not a field trip either. Nice try. 5 points for creativity. Go away."
"Listen, I jumped off a bridge because my friends did it first, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Parents know more than you think. We were stupid once. Some more than others. No, me not drowning is NOT the point. UGH. Go to sleep. No more questions tonight. I've told 3 silly stories, and answered 11 questions. Say your prayers. Talk to God because He is listening but I'm so done."
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