Mama Says: Post 5 Don't Lick My Hand To Get My Attention, Please

After many, many requests, I will continue this series here. I apologize for slacking. Sometimes mothering is hard - and not all that funny - so I haven't been posting. My kids are still entertaining with their silliness, impulsiveness, and teenage-ness (if that can be a word).

Here are some recent things I cannot believe I have had to say out loud...

"Don't lick my hand to get my attention, please. You are not a puppy."

"You are 10. 10! 10! There will be no off the shoulder, no cleavage, no booty. I will send you to school in a barney onesie so fast your head will spin. Don't try me. Go change your shirt."

"Why are these pallets stacked like this? What are you doing up there?!? You can't bungee jump in our backyard! Because if you go to the hospital today I won't have time to make your cookies. Uh huh. Get down."

"Because it's 24 degrees outside. That's the only reason I need. Really? Okay. So how about because I said so, because I thought so, and because I am so. That work for ya? We aren't camping in the yard tonight. Bring your blankets back inside, I'm sorry."

"You did not, in fact, audition for the role of the worst behaved kids in church. You missed the tryouts. That means you have to be good. No running, dancing on the piano, eating 26 mints (yes I am looking at you. Your poop is gonna look like a candy cane - red and white striped, dude!),  no climbing the Christmas tree, or chasing the girls. Better luck next year."

"Ew! These socks literally stand up by themselves! Look! I can make a teepee by leaning these two together. What do you mean you wore them all week? You own 30 pairs of socks! Ummm do I look like I care that these are your favorite? New socks every day, no exceptions. Do we need to talk about underwear?"

"No Pastor Randy isn't going to let you preach next Sunday. What would you say to all those people? Yes, I know that people need to know more about Dr. Who. What's that got to do with Jesus? Oh, true, he travels in time. They could have been friends, you're right."

"You're grounded. You're grounded, too. You're not my kid so you're cool. You're grounded, also. Everybody is grounded til Christmas Eve! How does this happen? Oh! Sorry, Nick. Nick is only grounded from YouTube, not everything. I stand corrected."

"How is it possible to find inappropriate things on Pinterest? How is that even a thing? Pinterest is a wishlist of things moms would do if they were as cool as they seem online, not a place to find memes with bad words and half dressed girls!"

"I made 12 dozen cookies yesterday. 12. Where are the cookies? No those were not 'yesterday's cookies'! Do I look like a cookie fairy to you? You just lost your cookie privileges!"

"Okay show me one time. One time only. Wow! I didn't know you could bounce that high on the couch. Don't ever jump off that bunkbed on to the couch again please. We talked about this already. You almost hit your face on the ceiling fan."

"Why are my nice living room curtains outside strung between those tents? Uh huh. Okay. Gotcha. Go get them. NOW. Use a tarp next time, dude."

"So basically you're failing that class because the iPad is more fun than Farm Management? Oh, EVERYTHING in life is more fun than Farm Management ? Got it. You will have no 'everything in life' if that F ends up on that report card, I'm just saying..."

"Because I am done. I did 15 loads of laundry this week. I folded more than 70 shirts. How is that possible? 8x7 does not equal 70. I'm done. From now on you are all doing your own laundry. It's not child abuse! Want me to call the police and ask?"

"I don't have to give you 3 reasons why you can't do that. No is my reason why. Because moms are cool like that. We get to make up the reasons as we go along."

"Don't touch girls. Any girls. Ever. When you're married we can talk about how soft their hair is. Til then pretend there's a forcefield around them. You are not a real Jedi. Nice try."

"So let's do the math. 2 tickets plus popcorn and drinks is 40 bucks. We spend 60-75 a week on groceries for all 8 of us. That means either we all only eat for about 3 days next week or you and I don't eat at all for the whole week so you can see the Hunger Games. No you can't eat leftover popcorn all week! No, that does not sound like a plan!"