To Choose or Not To Choose? - That Is The Question

In my youth community group, we picked a "word of the year" - a word describing an attitude you want to focus on, a goal of yours, or something that inspires you. My 7th grade girls picked their words easily and excitedly, but I struggled. What is most important to me this year? What do I need to do more than anything this year? 

A conversation with my boss sparked an idea that stuck. Her words were simple, but effective. "You just need to tell people no. Tell them you just aren't going to do it. You don't have enough time as it is. Tell them no." Simple enough, right? Quick and easy wording - "No." Except that I am extremely bad at using that word. Need 2 cakes on Wednesday for a funeral? Sure! That skirt hemmed for your daughter, even though my hands are too swollen to do it? I'm there for you. Need help with that volunteering project, that school concert, the outreach program? I'm your girl. I will almost never tell you no. I don't want to let anyone down or disappoint them. I have always been that way.

I have a servant's heart, and I truly believe that's a good thing. The Lord gave me this heart for a reason. I love serving, and have a true calling to work with the youth and the homeless. That's where He pulls me and I want to do my best with the talents and passions He gives me.  I feel like that is the very least I can do for Him and for others. 

The problem is this: while I can honestly describe myself as giving and tenderhearted, I have other words I would have to use also - if we are being honest. Exhausted. Strained. Overwhelmed. Unhappy. Deep to the soul weary. I have four children at home and they are more than a handful. I honestly don't even time to do my job, and can't even work until 5 on the days I am in the office because I can't leave them alone that long. I need hours a day to help with homework, an hour more to run kids here and there. I don't even want to talk about housework. Add personal Bible study time, family time, plus sleep and I have already run out of hours in my day. I have no downtime, no rest, no time to even acknowledge the health struggles I deal with.

I say all of that to tell you this: my word for this year could easily just be "No." Instead, my word is "Choose." I need to choose me. I need to choose wisely.  I need to choose to be a better wife and mother - to put my family first. I need to choose  earlier bedtimes, naps, days off, and peace. I need to choose to say no - and to say it a lot! 

Things that I want to make my focus:

• My marriage. I'm too exhausted to even pretend to be a good wife. My lack of sleep alone makes me a not very enthusiastic or loving person to be in a relationship with.
• One on one time with my kids - something I don't have now at all
• The kid's schooling. Some of mine need serious help daily and I need to give that more attention
• My home. When it's messy or disorganized it stresses me out to the point of tears. I need time to make my home an oasis from the world, not the pit of my own personal hell. 
• My friendships - oh how I neglect these!
• Bible study time - alone and with others, including our adult C group
• The youth group and my c group girls - they are my heart! I have 14 girls in my group now.
• Family volunteering with the homeless
• Our refugee family we are adopting as a church
• Time for me. Guilt free genuine time for me.
• Sleep. Sleep. Sleep

Things that, I am sorry to say, I am saying NO to

• Volunteering with small children - including babysitting, nursery work, MOPS, etc. One child's screaming or loud crying results in hours upon hours of pain for me. Even the kindergartners wear me out. I just....can't. There are many people called to serve in this area, but I am not one of them.
• The PTA. I love the various PTA groups. Heck, I used to be the most gung-ho PTA mom of all. It just can't be a priority anymore. I have to choose. I'm not going to be doing school volunteering. 
• Women's Ministry. While I am super excited about the upcoming IF Gathering and am glad to help with my close friends, beyond that I will not be serving in women's ministry. To be perfectly honest, I am an empty pitcher with nothing left to pour. I need to be filled and to be served. That's a rare concept for me. 
• Miscellaneous volunteering opportunities - visiting the senior center with groups, baking for random bake sales, fundraising outside of the refugee family goals, etc. All the little things people ask me to do. 

That seems like a short list, but it's a powerful one for me. It's a brave step, an uncomfortable one. Now it's time for me to choose to stand by it.