Normal people read a book if they're bored while pooping. I will build you a bathroom library if you promise to not pick the paint off the walls in weird designs next time you have to go...
What do you mean you didn't eat dinner? There's chicken AND pork chops cooked. What? Carb loading? You weigh a buck ten and you don't work out. Carb loading? Seriously? Chips followed by chocolate is not carb loading, son. Go eat a can of green beans. Now. Okay, a bowl will do.
When I said you could stay up til midnight as a special treat, did I say it in a foreign language? No? I was just wondering if your google translate was broken and "midnight" became "3 am" somehow. No? Go translate "2 hours early bedtime every night for a week" in all the languages you want right quick because that's the only technology you'll be using this week hon.
The next time you run away from home, please note that screens come off. You don't have to MacGuyver them into oblivion to get out a window. We also have 3 doors that lead outside. Pick one.
Don't fart on your sister. I don't care if it's fun. Ewww. Don't silently do it either. I know that was you. Gross!
Its 23° outside child. Coat and gloves are not optional. Not cold? It was 46 yesterday and you wanted to call the child labor board for abuse because I made you take out the trash "in frozen and unsafe conditions". Nice try. Under 30 means a coat. No questions. Shoo.
You send a message with every outfit you wear, girlie. Right now you're saying words you're not allowed to say out loud so I suggest you change and come back with some Disney Channel language clothes on. Thank you. Come Again.
Do you know what a closed bathroom door means? It means I have locked myself in a tiny claustrophobic place that smells bad because I have children in order to escape from all of you. Willingly. If I am choosing to look at smelly socks, toothpaste smears and grody toilets instead of anything else, I probably need to be alone. If you're not bleeding or dying do not knock again. I will come out when I come out. Shoo.
3 is my limit dude. 3 times I will wake you up nicely. If I have to come back in again, Major Payne will be who returns and you will remember this day always. Shaved heads. Water hoses. 3 mile hikes. Instagram embarrassments. Who knows what'll happen. You best hustle. NOW.
No technology means nothing with a battery or a plug. No phones, no ipods. Heck - no etcha sketches and electronic battleships just so you're not confused. You want technology? Earn it.
When I said read a book to earn your tech time, I did NOT mean watch someone read you a book on YouTube. What book is that? Ummmmm no. Negatory. Nu uh. Nope. Go find a dictionary dude. Look up book. Then go find one of those, too.
Are you ready for school? Yes? Really. So you've eaten breakfast, brushed your teeth, washed your hands, and put on deoderant? No? Are you wearing your shoes, your gloves, your coat? Do you have your backpack? No, no, no, and no? Sooooo what part of you IS ready for school? Yay for clean underwear. I'm proud of you. Here comes the bus.
Party? What party? Whose party? What friend? What kind of friend? When? With what grownups? So you can't tell me his name, where it is, when it is and you want me to say yes? Just this one time you say? Without questions. DUDE. You are like 7. Okay, 13 but same difference. I don't care if your principal is having a party at the church with the Pope. If I get no details you get no permission. Try again next year.
When I said you couldn't skateboard off your ramps without a helmet, what made you think I would be cool with a baseball cap instead? Uh huh. So nooowwww I am a cool parent and super chill? Nice try son. No. Go inside and play with your sister. You clearly haven't met me before so maybe she can introduce us
Spot on!!!
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