Dear Angry Mama

Dear Angry, Angry Mama,

Let's talk for a moment. It's okay to read this, no one is looking at you to see if this applies to you or not. Let's be honest. It would be okay if they did know. If you are an angry mama and struggling today, that's the first thing I need you to know - that it's okay. I bet nothing about today feels okay. I bet you would do just about anything for people to not know just how NOT okay you think you are. I understand that feeling. You see the sweet mamas around you drinking their Starbucks in their cute LuLaRoe outfits, snuggling their precious kiddos as they chat effortlessly about their family plans for after church. You would give anything to be that calm, that sweet, that grace-filled. I'm here to tell you it's okay if you're not.

The second thing I will quietly share with you is that you are not alone. Girl, seriously. Not even close to alone. Not even in this church room right now. These mamas, they are exhausted, too. At least one chased a naked toddler covered in peanut butter mixed with puke in the first dress they tried to wear today. Another had to literally wrap her shaking hands around that coffee cup to stop herself from smacking the hateful preteen who said rage inducing comments when she walked by just now.

That mom over there? She told herself all of yesterday that she wouldn't even come to church today. She almost skipped MOPS, too. She hates being around people these days, almost as much as she craves time with those she would see. If she talks to others, she might not stop. She might start venting or crying, or worse. What's worse than vent crying in church? Being real.. super duper honest and real with the other moms. She would rather say nothing than for those around her to see the real her. It's bad enough that God knows her angry and hurting heart. She doesn't want you to see it, too.

The third thing I want you to know is that there is no normal, no perfect mama, no standard to meet. That super mom image you're chasing? She is no more a real woman than the barbie you stepped on for the 3rd time this morning. You and I, we see these seemingly perfect mamas - the homeschool guru, the children's pastor's wife, the women leading ministries, the calm school teacher mom, the mom balancing her 6 kids while you struggle with two, the beauty queen mom that we compare ourselves to every time she comes in, the cookie baking mom, and more. We seem to be surrounding by these almost perfect moms at every turn. The truth is, even if you got up at 5 am, dressed like the beauty queen, baked all the cookies, homeschooled your 8 kids while running 2 ministries, and even sold handmade crafts on the side to further emulate the Proverbs 31 chick, you wouldn't be perfect, not even almost. That's okay, too. The only one expecting that perfection is you and you're too tired to think clearly today.

You are you. You are frustrated. Let's be honest, you are angry. ANGRY in all caps. The sweet you that snuggled precious babies is now like a snapping turtle on an anger trip. Even your poor husband is getting snapped at, maybe even the Amazon delivery guy, too. The kids are fighting again and you're over it. Your son has back talked you one too many times, or probably more like 5 too many times. You cannot believe you have turned into THAT mom. You know her, that angry yelling mom that snaps at her kids before turning around to even see what they've done. The one squeezing the fingers off the child whose hand it seems she is sweetly holding. If the school calls you one more time, you're gonna lose it. You're wondering how your husband will hold up if you have an actual breakdown and he has to be the bad guy for a few weeks. You numbly wonder, sometimes, why you even agreed to become a mom. It's okay, you don't have to admit that part out loud. If you do, though, know we aren't here judging you. We are that mom now, too.

Something else I want you to know is that there is hope. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like it today after you've yelled 4 times since church ended and you would rather hide in the bathroom crying than consider facing your fellow mamas later. Hope is like God, love, and the wind. You don't have to see it for it to be there. It also exists even when you don't want to believe in it. Hope is there. The fact that you have stuck with me this far suggests that maybe you need some of that hope I am seeking, too.

My favorite scripture is something I look to when seeking that hope. John 14:27 says "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

God is the author of peace, of harmony, of love. He is the creator of alllll the good things. He created peace and He offers it to you. Sometimes you are too stubborn to accept it, or even to simply reach out for it. For me, that happens way more often than "sometimes". I want peace in theory. In the same vein, I want to be that calm mama, filled with grace. I want a lot of things. Truth be told, I want a smaller belly and less flabby thighs, too. The thing is, I can want all I want but if I don't get up and do something about it, I must not want it too very badly. It's the same thing with wanting to be grace-filled, peaceful, and calm. I have to do something about it and not just wrestle with self hatred and angry moments. Not wanting to be "that mom" isn't enough. I have to actually seek and then accept the peace that's being offered to me.

My step 1 is seeking God's peace through prayer. I don't have to be all formal on this. I am just gonna lay it all on the line. He gets me, and He gets you, too.

"Dear Lord, forgive me for my failings as a mom. I hate myself as a mom a lot of the time. I hate my anger and frustration. I hate the resentment I feel. I am over this anger, I am over the yelling. I am so tired of fighting an uphill battle. I can't do this anymore, not on my own. I need you. I need your strength because I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I need your peace because I am depleted. I need your patience because I can't find mine. I need you. That's all I know. I need you. Please help me."

What else is there to say? Hang in there angry mama. You are not alone. We understand more than you know, and God has got your back. Pray right along with me, or tell me and let me pray with you.